Tao Lin can open jars faster than
anyone. Tao Lin’s fingertips are super sensitive and if he holds his hand out
the window, he can predict the weather to a 98.653% accuracy. Sometimes while
it is raining, Tao Lin imagines crawling underneath the kitchen sink. He knows
that the rain will not find him there and though he is very close to a source
of water, he will remain dry. Tao Lin can grow a moustache on the palm of his
hand, but he uses antibacterial soap to keep it from happening. Tao Lin wouldn’t
leap from the top of a building, but he would wear a superman cape. He would
wrap himself in the satiny red material and pretend he was a guest on Lady
Chatterley’s love. If Tao Lin was on television, he would get weekly manicures
and pedicures, but never wash his hair. The dandruff would build up until the
weight of it turned him upside down. He would stay that way until so much dust
settled on the bottoms of his feet, that it counter-acted the dandruff. Then he’d
spin round and round, head-feet, head-feet, head-feet.