Dean Koontz swallows his gum and
worries that his intestines will stick together, no food will slide through and
he’ll vomit when he’s at a dinner party, which is being held to promote his
newest book, the memoir of an ape that thinks it is a man who is supposed to
kill apes. Dean Koontz is having electrolysis to permanently remove the hair
from his moles. Dean Koontz pulls the fire alarm at the library so he’ll have
time to piss on the Stephen King row. Dean Koontz talks in b flat. Dean Koontz
discovered that the cure for love is large quantities of pickled ginger, taken
orally or rectally. Dean Koontz sometimes wears socks on his hands, so he won’t
bite his nails. Dean Koontz confuses Hillary Swank with Hillary Clinton. Dean
Koontz invites his mailman in for cocktails. The mailman says no and Dean
decides to boycott the post service. Dean Koontz can crawl bare-legged across
broken glass without crying. Dean Koontz locks his guests in his bathroom,
waits outside the window, and when they climb out, he blasts them with the
water hose. Dean Koontz shaves his left leg once a week. Dean Koontz collects
jars of mosquitoes and lights them on fire. Dean Koontz wears an eye patch over
his nose. Dean Koontz keeps a punchbowl full of salt on his kitchen table. Dean
Koontz thinks David Bowie was the second incarnation of Christ. Dean Koontz
flushes his toilet once an hour, so the water will remain fresh and clean. If
he is away from home, he makes arrangements for a neighbor to flush it for him.
Dean Koontz feels disappointed in the sun. Dean Koontz steals welcome mats from
strip clubs. Dean Koontz pulls out his belly hairs, one at a time, and eats
them on toast with mayonnaise. Dean Koontz sleeps in a suit and tie. Dean
Koontz masturbates to the Oxford English Dictionary. Dean Koontz confesses his
sins to QVC operators. Dean Koontz has a spare bedroom where he keeps orange
marmalade. Dean Koontz dreams in shades of yellow. Dean Koontz shows up at parties,
uninvited, and eats the cheese and crackers. Sometimes he brings cheese whiz.
Dean Koontz won’t read the first page of a novel. Dean Koontz swallows spit
when he’s thirsty. Dean Koontz thinks inside brackets. Dean Koontz was born
without lips. At the age of three, he received a lip transplant. Dean Koontz
tints himself more green every day. Eventually he will be hunter green and no
one will notice because of the gradual process. Dean Koontz spits acid. Dean
Koontz can change your hair color by looking at you. Dean Koontz licks the ink
off newspapers and doesn’t get indigestion. Dean Koontz is a level four
paladin. Dean Koontz is afraid. Dean Koontz is never sorry.