Tao Lin can open jars faster than anyone. Tao Lin’s fingertips are super sensitive and if he holds his hand out the window, he can predict the weather to a 98.653% accuracy. Sometimes while it is raining, Tao Lin imagines crawling underneath the kitchen sink. He knows that the rain will not find him there and though he is very close to a source of water, he will remain dry. Tao Lin can grow a moustache on the palm of his hand, but he uses antibacterial soap to keep it from happening. Tao Lin wouldn’t leap from the top of a building, but he would wear a superman cape. He would wrap himself in the satiny red material and pretend he was a guest on Lady Chatterley’s love. If Tao Lin was on television, he would get weekly manicures and pedicures, but never wash his hair. The dandruff would build up until the weight of it turned him upside down. He would stay that way until so much dust settled on the bottoms of his feet, that it counter-acted the dandruff. Then he’d spin round and round, head-feet, head-feet, head-feet.